My super power and my greatest weakness is my heart. Its easier to absorb others problems and needs then to reach inside and clean out the cobwebs. Then it became so easy just barely surviving , such a comfortable struggle I could forget the hollowness. Whether a blessing or a curse I have a brain that usually forgets nothing. I could with verbatim look back to most events in my life and tell you word for word conversations and situations. Worse still is my emotional memory that remembers everything. Every feeling , every blight. There is a me inside that is so guarded at this point that he only comes out to play on a rare occasion.
Then if that wasn’t enough I read people a little too well and I see patterns all over. But for a while now I could rename myself glitch. My reads are slightly off, my self is retreating farther from reach, my world is exploding in my head and heart. And no wonder with the last x amount of years.
I realize this is why some people take meds or take drugs or become addicts or even chew on bed posts professionally in padded rooms.
I don’t think I am crazy. I know I am by most people’s standards. I don’t think I am normal and honestly I wouldn’t wanna be. Still it is aggravating because; do remember those connect a dot pictures in school. Imagine it being 1-50 and it’s like I have lost the path to random amounts of dots..
I am searching and soul searching. I am starting over for what seems like the 15th time. See though these are the conditions where I thrive better than anyone I have seen before. I’ve slept on cold ground , I’ve done without , I create good things and best yet I spent nearly 8 months before where I didn’t see more than 10 people the whole time. And a good portion of 13 yrs being a hermit.
I am the guy who even with the same aches and pains every one has at 44 can out work most people. Longer , harder and If need be 4 days straight.
I am the man who can cook, clean , do laundry , comfort everyone and turn around and do whatever physical or computer work their is to do. I build things, create things, destroy things and find efficient ways to Do all of it.
I am lost though and no-one can find me but me. Sometimes I wonder why I want to. Love,that is my weakness.. Oh also not one word about you need Jesus or God is your answer I promise you will not like my replies .
Writing is my pleasure in life but it’s no surprise I run away from it so often.
My Friend Chris 